the online journal of jordan e.

torsdag, augusti 18, 2005

On a Holiday
Jonah and I just returned from a mini roadtrip to Chicago. On the way we stopped at the Wisconsin State Fair, ate some greasified cheese curds, caught a Switchfoot show and dodged gargantuan piles of manure. In Chicago we were graced with a Cubs game at Wrigley Field, the Chicago Institute of Art, interesting and darn right tasty food, a visit to the Evanston Vineyard, trips to all of the ethnic communities, a trot or two down the Magnificent Mile and a Twins vs. White Sox game, among other exciting stuff. If by that mere list you cannot tell how good the trip was, let me simply tell you I peed my pants not one, not two, but five - count them five - times. That's how hard I laughed. And that, my friends, is a good thing. Pictures to come...

tisdag, augusti 09, 2005

Diving Board Rules for the Edina Aquatic Center

1 Person on the board or ladder at a time.
1 Bounce on the board.
Go straight off the board.
Clear diving area immediately after dive.
No reverse, back, or inward dives without instructional supervision.
Anyone who has had diarrhea should not use the pool for two weeks after symptoms have subsided.

onsdag, augusti 03, 2005

FOR SALE

The house Tiffany and I are renting went up for grabs a couple of weeks ago and sold in an astonishing two days. I'm guessing my pink walls had a hand in the matter.
Check out other pictures of our house on the realtor's site: www.mzr.com (MLS# 120496).

torsdag, juli 28, 2005

Can God make a microwave burrito so hot that even he can't eat it?

tisdag, juli 12, 2005

Sweet, Sweet Summertime
Sorry, the quest for wart eradication has overwhelmed me. Fact of the matter is, those things are ruthless and I foresee a bloody battle ahead.
Other than that relentless nubbin, this summer has been cooking. Not only with loads and loads to do and done, but also meteorologically. It's been straight up nineties for a while now. And I love it. That means there's been trips to our cabin, to Tiffany's house on Lake Minnesung, numerous dips in Lester River, plunges in Lake Superior and temptations to sit on our neighbor's sprinkler.
Meanwhile, I've had the chance to enjoy summer about as much (perhaps more) as I did when they were considered official summer vacations. Road trips, Twins games, weddings, good food, sunburns, etc. Speaking of sunburns, a piece of skin the size of a silver dollar recently peeled off. I'm not kidding you. I'm going to put it in an envelope and mail it someone. They could probably feed a hamster for a month off of that.
Don't get me wrong, though. I'm not a proponent of ingesting dead skin. Take my recommendation and find some fresh fruit. Some gazpacho. Pico de gallo. Pesto.

torsdag, juni 30, 2005

Home Remedies for Warts
Yes, I'm taking suggestions.

måndag, juni 20, 2005

Thirteen Point One
This past weekend hosted Grandma's Marathon, all its festivities and the half marathon, which I ran. Being that I gave up training at six miles a month and a half ago due to an ouchie knee (yes, the actual medical terminology), I wasn't sure I would even be able to make it - especially with that menacing bus driver coming up from behind to whisk away the laggards. But, I made it. And here's the run down of the deal:
4:30am - Up and at 'em after four and a half hours of sleep filled with restless thoughts of oversleeping and that stupid, evil bus.
5:15am - At UMD to get on the shuttle bus that will take us to the start of the race, at Lakeview Castle. Very tired and quite crabby. As I begin to watch the people around me devouring Powerbars and bananas, I make a big realization: the five strawberries I ate upon waking up won't carry me over thirteen miles. I am an idiot. Rachel gives me half of a black banana and I audibly growl.
6:00am - Have nervous peeing syndrom and line up with the rest of the thousands before the rows of Biffies.
6:30am - It begins and we trot southward towards the harbor.
6:40-7:00am - Eighty year old woman in front of us makes a beeline for the woods. Are serenaded by a polkaing accordian, creepy clown jumping on a trampoline to Garth Brooks and various stereos playing nineties dance music. We kick it in with Chumbawamba.
7:30am - Hit the halfway point. Eighty year old woman is back in front of us after what was certainly a hurried bathroom break. Cannot believe the eighty year old woman is in front of us.
7:45am - Make the turn into town to find a jubilant crowd on London Road including Tiffany and Bevin. Bevin is wearing a sweatband and is trying to force Cocoa Puffs on us. Tiffany clicks glamour shots as we trot by.
8:00-8:30am - Inspired to go onward by the string quartet in front of Glensheen. Conquer Lemon Drop Hill. Are met by pregnant Nikki who runs alongside of us for a block. Are very impressed with Nikki and future son.
8:40am - Approach my family in front of Sir Benedict's. They cheer and then yell that other people I know are way ahead of me. I give them the fist.
8:45-9:00am - Last three miles are a killer. Pass bellydancers in front of Norshor Theater. Pass man with mullet wig. Want to be carried to a green meadow and given an enormous beanbag to snuggle into. Instead, tell Rachel we've got to get cooking and proceed to keep trucking to the finish line where I whip out some stored up juice. Pass an old man "Chuck" to finish in 2:41:21. Slow, but complete and sans rotten bus.
9:00-9:45am - Eat a banana, ice cream, fruit, a bagel, a beer and a clifbar. Suffer cramps like you know what and resolve not to finish the Leinenkugel's.
10:00-12:23pm - Become fully aware of how sore we are. Limp two miles back, while watching marathoners run by. Resort to borrowing a phone to find a ride out. Tiffany, our hero, finds us sprawled out on sidewalk covered in white granules of dried sweat and totes our sore behinds back.

onsdag, juni 15, 2005

Recent Nightmare:
I recently dreamt that I was fishing. While gingerly casting and reeling and casting and reeling, something bit. It was, as the professionals say, a lunker. Amidst a mad bout of reeling, I saw the monstrous creature leap out of the water just long enough to flash some pretty fearsome fangs in my direction. Frightened, but determined, I battled onward and wrestled the brute all the way in onto shore. It was at this point I realized I had caught a five-foot, hairy leech with carnivorous fangs.