the online journal of jordan e.

Liebe in its Finest
Right about now I feel like I'm in the thick of relationship buzz. Michael, our pastor is going through a series of messages entitled "A Biblical Look at Sexuality and Relationships," youth group on Wednesday nights has taken on the same theme, a friend lent me a collection of tapes teaching on the Song of Solomon (that racy, racy book), I'm still sorting out everything that happened with Asa and me and on top of all that, it's February, the lovey-dovey heart month.
Let me explain how God is using this all.
First off, Michael's messages have been wunderbar. Ranging from singleness to spicing up married life to being spiritually mismatched, he's unfolding a lot of stuff that needs to be said. And in the style of Michael, it is not diluted by polite fluff. It's good to be set straight.
Youth group has been fun. I quite enjoy watching the kiddies squirm everytime the word "sex" is said outloud. Jonah and Jacob in particular do convulsive breakdances whenever Kris mentions that word. And I applaud wildly.
The tapes I've been listening to are sweet, sweet insight into that crazy book. Doesn't it make you kind of smirk to think of God inspiring the composition of that? What some people consider as dirty stuff is singed in ink on the pages of our holy Bibles! He is far more fiery and bold than I think the church allows him to be. And I'm not even going to tell you what he compares frolicking gazelles to...
The debriefing of a breakup, I am finding, is an everevolving process. I feel like just in the past couple of days the gigantic horse blinders were ripped of my head I've finally begun to see things as they really are. Makes me kind of want to take off in song and style of those pigs from Sesame Street that used to sing, "I've got a new way to walk. (walk. walk.)" What I've come to now is that I realize I still want to get married someday, but instead of hurting about Asa and feeling poopy, I need to do something about that desire. I've decided to become proactive and beginning praying very intentionally and boldly that God will prepare me and my future husband for marriage. That he will give me a picture of the man I will marry and that I will lay myself out for God to do all the work he needs to. My friend Brett told me a bit of advice that I think applies nicely to this: just like the course of life for all biological objects, our spirituality is the same way - it is always either growing or dying. There is no in between period, waiting or plateau. You're either moving one way or the other. I'll be darned if breaking it off with Asa will send me to the crapper. I am intent on inviting God to send me cooking in the opposite direction.
As for this charming month of romance, it's been pretty swell. On Valentine's Day Tiffany and I had about eight other girls over for a huge, nummers meal cooked by Madamoiselle Jamie Beebe. After the brushetta, salad, fettuccine with gorgonzola sauce and homemade tiramisu, we spent about two hours worshiping with the accompaniment of three guitars and Marney's rocking djembe. Sounds cheesy, but after the hearts have been weighed and all the lovey stuff sifted through, sometimes we are able grasp just a glimpse of how deep God's love is. And, if at that moment you can turn to worship him for it, it is mint. I felt like that's what happened that night. The sore guitar-playing fingers attested for it.
On February 25, 2005 that's where I'm at. I've learned the label on your emotions and well-being doesn't and shouldn't stick for more than a couple of days or even a couple of hours. I might be in a different place tonight. I might be square dancing at the VFW.

posted by Jordan @ 1:32 em

Geewhizickers

I'll bet you didn't know I was so photogenic. Like a charm, in fact.
It's strange the ups and downs we can hit in the period of a month. From a sobbing pile of tear and snot to a chipper little girl scout. I feel like I am definitely on the ascent right now and coming up as a changed person. And here's the core of it: for the first time in my whole life I finally understand what it means for Jesus to be our "lover." (I hesitate to use that word because it often triggers my gag reflex, but it's quite an accurate title.) Most everyone can grasp God being our "friend" and "father," but have we really experienced and embraced God as the one who pursues us, is jealous for us and treasures us in the same way that a husband or wife would? I never could before, but I'm beginning to. I'm really starting to understand that he wants me all to himself right now and that there is more acceptance and love in that than anywhere else. Not that I won't have herds after me with the posting of that picture.

posted by Jordan @ 3:28 em