the online journal of jordan e.

Home Remedies for Warts
Yes, I'm taking suggestions.

posted by Jordan @ 3:55 em

Thirteen Point One
This past weekend hosted Grandma's Marathon, all its festivities and the half marathon, which I ran. Being that I gave up training at six miles a month and a half ago due to an ouchie knee (yes, the actual medical terminology), I wasn't sure I would even be able to make it - especially with that menacing bus driver coming up from behind to whisk away the laggards. But, I made it. And here's the run down of the deal:
4:30am - Up and at 'em after four and a half hours of sleep filled with restless thoughts of oversleeping and that stupid, evil bus.
5:15am - At UMD to get on the shuttle bus that will take us to the start of the race, at Lakeview Castle. Very tired and quite crabby. As I begin to watch the people around me devouring Powerbars and bananas, I make a big realization: the five strawberries I ate upon waking up won't carry me over thirteen miles. I am an idiot. Rachel gives me half of a black banana and I audibly growl.
6:00am - Have nervous peeing syndrom and line up with the rest of the thousands before the rows of Biffies.
6:30am - It begins and we trot southward towards the harbor.
6:40-7:00am - Eighty year old woman in front of us makes a beeline for the woods. Are serenaded by a polkaing accordian, creepy clown jumping on a trampoline to Garth Brooks and various stereos playing nineties dance music. We kick it in with Chumbawamba.
7:30am - Hit the halfway point. Eighty year old woman is back in front of us after what was certainly a hurried bathroom break. Cannot believe the eighty year old woman is in front of us.
7:45am - Make the turn into town to find a jubilant crowd on London Road including Tiffany and Bevin. Bevin is wearing a sweatband and is trying to force Cocoa Puffs on us. Tiffany clicks glamour shots as we trot by.
8:00-8:30am - Inspired to go onward by the string quartet in front of Glensheen. Conquer Lemon Drop Hill. Are met by pregnant Nikki who runs alongside of us for a block. Are very impressed with Nikki and future son.
8:40am - Approach my family in front of Sir Benedict's. They cheer and then yell that other people I know are way ahead of me. I give them the fist.
8:45-9:00am - Last three miles are a killer. Pass bellydancers in front of Norshor Theater. Pass man with mullet wig. Want to be carried to a green meadow and given an enormous beanbag to snuggle into. Instead, tell Rachel we've got to get cooking and proceed to keep trucking to the finish line where I whip out some stored up juice. Pass an old man "Chuck" to finish in 2:41:21. Slow, but complete and sans rotten bus.
9:00-9:45am - Eat a banana, ice cream, fruit, a bagel, a beer and a clifbar. Suffer cramps like you know what and resolve not to finish the Leinenkugel's.
10:00-12:23pm - Become fully aware of how sore we are. Limp two miles back, while watching marathoners run by. Resort to borrowing a phone to find a ride out. Tiffany, our hero, finds us sprawled out on sidewalk covered in white granules of dried sweat and totes our sore behinds back.

posted by Jordan @ 2:12 em

Recent Nightmare:
I recently dreamt that I was fishing. While gingerly casting and reeling and casting and reeling, something bit. It was, as the professionals say, a lunker. Amidst a mad bout of reeling, I saw the monstrous creature leap out of the water just long enough to flash some pretty fearsome fangs in my direction. Frightened, but determined, I battled onward and wrestled the brute all the way in onto shore. It was at this point I realized I had caught a five-foot, hairy leech with carnivorous fangs.

posted by Jordan @ 12:50 em

Meet the Grad


Jonah August Shermer aka Donuts aka Johann aka Big Jones McSherms has reached the end of high school career. This weekend the soon-to-be grad will snatch his diploma from the claws of Mrs. Backscheider, look up at her, smile lovingly as he did in this photo from 1991 and say, "So long Lady Lovely Locks."

posted by Jordan @ 8:54 fm